Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Day The Tweets Died – Dozens Of Suicides Reported Over Twitter Outage

DALLAS, Texas – An unexpected outage of the popular social networking site, Twitter, disconnected millions of the state’s Geekorati from their communications lifelines today, sending them scurrying to high tech hangouts like Fry’s Electronics and the Apple Store.

Masses of Justin Long wannabes mobbed Apple Stores across the state seeking human connectivity when Twitter connectivity unexpectedly failed. According to store managers the crowds even eclipsed the launch of Apple’s iPhone.

“This is horrible,” wailed Mona Sharon, pressing her face to the window of the Southlake, Texas Apple Store waiting for her number to be called so she could enter. “We need the government to do something. What’re we gonna do? I can’t go back to plain old SMS. I can’t. I won’t.”

At the Fry’s Electronics superstore in Plano, Texas, Gilbert Ebert nervously chewed his pocket protector while sitting on a concrete barricade, designed to prevent smash and grab theft. “What if it doesn’t come back,” asked Ebert between bites. “What if it never comes back? What’ll we do if we can’t tweet or retweet? Imagine no hash tags? No river?”

Sharon and Ebert are the fortunate ones. They live in metropolitan areas with easy access to “TC’s” or technology centers where they could associate with like-minded individuals. Even those who’ve given up their vehicles in a quest for a zero carbon footprint are able to bike to the nearest Starbucks (usually no more than one block away) and bask with their caffeinated peers in the soothing frequencies of a WiFi hotspot.

In rural areas, things were desperate. Hundreds of lonely, isolated, social media addicts located far from the municipal masses were unable to cope. Paramedics in low density communities have reportedly been responding to dozens of suicides.

In China Grove, Texas, paramedics found a note left by one poor soul, dead from an overdose of eight dozen boxes of Twinkies, playing the song, “American Pie” by Don McLean on continuous loop through his computer media player. The note read, “@6c6d616f The day the tweets died, I did 2.”

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