I Wanna Market Me (The Contractor's Song)

This is for HVAC contractors. You just gotta watch it...

Reporters Devastated By Media Tragedy

Hurricane Bill fails to make landfall.

"What will we report?" cried one network anchor.

"The absolute lack of devastation is devasting," bemoaned another.

Still, all was not lost. Up and down the Atlantic coast, reporters managed to don yellow hooded raincoats, go live from the scene, telling us they didn't know anything and telling it for hours. Meanwhile beaches along the entire Eastern Seaboard were closed just in case.

Rumors that the state of Maryland was evacuated under the precautionary principle were ultimately proven false. Also false was the rumor that the president cancelled his vacation at Martha's Vineyard. He merely delayed it.

When a 54 year old man washed ashore dead on a Volusia County, Florida beach, officials suspected drowning.

The Captain of the local Beach Patrol believes the death was related to Hurricane Bill, stating the man "wouldn't have been out there trying to bodysurf unless the waves were really big."

With 4,000 drowning deaths per year in the United States, reporters were not giving up in their attempts to assign deaths to the storm. But even though 11 Americans drown daily, news sleuths were only able to uncover two other possible storm related tragedies.

A 10-year old boy nearly drowned and a toddler was in serious condition after nearly drowning. Initially, both incidences were cheerfully attributed to Hurricane Bill by the New York media. Only later, did the New York reporters discover that the near drownings were in Missouri and Arizona, respectively and that both locations were landlocked and thousands of miles from the Atlantic Ocean.

"I didn't know where they were," complained on reporter. "It's not like I've ever had a reason to leave New York or anything."

"I've traveled," offered a second reporter. "I've been to Jersey."

A retraction was printed in 6 point type below the fold on page A26.

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The Day The Tweets Died – Dozens Of Suicides Reported Over Twitter Outage

DALLAS, Texas – An unexpected outage of the popular social networking site, Twitter, disconnected millions of the state’s Geekorati from their communications lifelines today, sending them scurrying to high tech hangouts like Fry’s Electronics and the Apple Store.

Masses of Justin Long wannabes mobbed Apple Stores across the state seeking human connectivity when Twitter connectivity unexpectedly failed. According to store managers the crowds even eclipsed the launch of Apple’s iPhone.

“This is horrible,” wailed Mona Sharon, pressing her face to the window of the Southlake, Texas Apple Store waiting for her number to be called so she could enter. “We need the government to do something. What’re we gonna do? I can’t go back to plain old SMS. I can’t. I won’t.”

At the Fry’s Electronics superstore in Plano, Texas, Gilbert Ebert nervously chewed his pocket protector while sitting on a concrete barricade, designed to prevent smash and grab theft. “What if it doesn’t come back,” asked Ebert between bites. “What if it never comes back? What’ll we do if we can’t tweet or retweet? Imagine no hash tags? No river?”

Sharon and Ebert are the fortunate ones. They live in metropolitan areas with easy access to “TC’s” or technology centers where they could associate with like-minded individuals. Even those who’ve given up their vehicles in a quest for a zero carbon footprint are able to bike to the nearest Starbucks (usually no more than one block away) and bask with their caffeinated peers in the soothing frequencies of a WiFi hotspot.

In rural areas, things were desperate. Hundreds of lonely, isolated, social media addicts located far from the municipal masses were unable to cope. Paramedics in low density communities have reportedly been responding to dozens of suicides.

In China Grove, Texas, paramedics found a note left by one poor soul, dead from an overdose of eight dozen boxes of Twinkies, playing the song, “American Pie” by Don McLean on continuous loop through his computer media player. The note read, “@6c6d616f The day the tweets died, I did 2.”